Showing posts with label Sports. Show all posts
ICC announced a ban on sixes straight down the ground in 2013 to tribute to former great England Cricket captain and great commentator Tony Greig who has died after suffering a heart attack. He was 66.
ICC President Alan Isaac said "We stopped all the sixes straight down the ground in 2013 as a glorious career of captain and mostly a great commentator has ended today. This is tribute to a guy who just not entertained but excited us to watch the cricket match. He made us stick to a match and increased our affection towards cricket. Now as we don't have a guy who excites us with his great voice and statement 'Straight down the ground all they way for six' we banned any six or even four straight down the ground in 2013. 2013 will be a Tony Greig year. Tony we will miss you."
Post announcement of retiring from One Day Internationals, Sachin Tendulkar announced that he will keep using his batting skills and would wash clothes in Mumbai's Dhobi Ghat. That will also improve his performance in test matches. Dhobi (laundry man or washer man) is the only community in India which uses cricket bat (a small wooden piece similar to cricket bat) more professionally and commercially.
"As it wasn't a secret that I was not going to play for 2015 World Cup and my test scores were moving in a snail like pace, I felt that I should join Mumbai's Dhobi Ghat and use my bat in more aggressive and proactive way. This will accomplish my dream of becoming a complete test player in next 2 years," said Master Blaster Sachin Tendulkar in a packed press conference.
Sachin Tendulkar is considered the best batsman in the world with 100 centuries in his kitty, which include 49 centuries in One Day Internationals. With the entry in the new field of game, Sachin is expected to use same heavy bat while washing clothes.
He said "I had various options in my mind such as fisher man and gate keeper. However, no where I could have used my bat so productively and aggressively than in the profession of washer man. This would improve my performance and sharpen the skills of aggression as well as focus."
Sachin took his bat in his hand and with all his power started tossing up and down on the desk as like dhobi do with the clothes in Dhobi Ghat. All the media journalists and reporters noted down his determination and focus towards the bat chopping.
According to sources, Sachin is planning to achieve Don Bradman's test average in his next career stanza.
"Sachin is planning to score with an average of 100 in his next 200 test matches," said the source close to the development.
After a complete let down on the Wankhede, team India submitted its 35 pages report alleging that India's leading cement company Ambuja Cements used poor quality of cement in building pitch, BCCI decided to cancel the contract of the company for Eden Gardens and allotted to JK Cements.
"Yea we asked Ambuja Cements to build some dead pitch with support to Indian spin. However, they built a pitch that supported English spin," said an Official of BCCI.
He said "Finally, we decided to cancel Ambuja's contract and allotted it to leading northern cement company JK Cement."
Sources said that JK Cements would build Eden Gardens pitch which would be totally lifeless. The company also promised to provide free muddy colouring on the pitch to look it like pitch made of dust.
NEWS IN BRIEF – SPORTS, TERRORISM
Indian Cricket team management said that it gave tribute to 26/11 victims and martyrs by sacrificing its easy win against England.
"We actually could have easily finished English team in 3 days. However, to pay tribute to 26/11 martyrs we decided to stay unhappy and less motivated," said Mahendra Singh Dhoni, India's captain.
He said "It was our duty to remain less inspired and unenthusiastic today. Otherwise Bhajji could have easily scored a century in the first session of the match. Besides that the cricket pitch was also bad."
Answering the relationship between the disastrous incidence of 26/11 and loss against England, Dhoni said "Actually, it was the lack of motivation when we remembered that unfortunate event led us to the losing battle against England. We wanted to pay tribute by sacrificing something. Otherwise we are the best team in the world. We can easily beat England in England, Australia in Australia, so the best tribute was something to sacrifice which we do in a routine and effortless job. Therefore we decided to lose the match today."
Dhoni also confirmed that the team has decided to remain sluggish whenever it will remember those miserable events in the Indian history.
"Next time we would be defeated when we would remember Bhopal Gas Tragedy," said Mahendra Singh Dhoni.
(Apart from the sarcasm of the above story, the Team India Satire pays tribute to the victims and martyrs of 26/11)
New cricket bat will help Tendulkar to continue his cricketing journey for next 20 years
International Cricket Council (ICC) agreed the request of The Board Of Control For Cricket In India (BCCI) to change the cricket bat size of Master Blaster Sachin Tendulkar. The bat will have 1.5x to 2x more than his current bat and with half the weight.
"We sent a special request to ICC after Sachin finished his beautifully constructed and technically right inning against England yesterday," said N Srinivasan, Chairman of BCCI.
He said "In a genuine request we asked them to consider flawless record of Sachin for last 22 years and his unblemished great contribution to India politics. We also acknowledge them a fact that he was the only player playing for Indian cricket side with Member of Parliament's batch."
Srinivasan confirmed that the development was nothing to do with recent flip flops of Sachin Tendulkar in cricket and told that he felt it would be tribute giving a giant bat to a giant of the cricket.
"BCCI always think of entertaining Indian cricket audience. This way we thought that if Sachin gets 2 times a larger bat he would convert 17 runs into 170 runs," said N Srinivasan.
BCCI also confirmed that ICC agreed to its request and now negotiations are going on the size of the bat.
"ICC thinks that 1.5x larger bat is sufficient for Tendulkar as he is having great cricketing technique and sense while BCCI said that it is only interested in the longevity of the Cricket audience seating and watching his inning," said a top official of BCCI, requesting anonymity.
Earlier copying Underachiever tag line from Manmohan Singh and now he dared to copy Improver too
Prime Minister's Office (PMO) filed a complaint in Delhi High Court against Harbhajan Singh for degradedly mocking India's respected Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh.
"How can he copy respectable Prime Minister of India?" asked an official in PMO "It is totally a mockery of the Prime Minister." Harbhajan Singh (Bhajji) took 4 wickets against England for paltry 12 runs.
"He can't show sudden rise in his performance after so many years of underachievement. It shows only one thing that he straight away copied Manmohanji," said the official of PMO.
He said "Copying Manmohanji only proves that he was mocking India's respectable Prime Minister and therefore we issued a show cause notice on him."
Manmohan Singh was recently considered as Underachiever by US' Time Magazine while many Indian sports magazines also considered Harbhajan Singh as Underachiever. However, in line with the improvement of the performance of Manmohan Singh, as taking hard stand against allies and opposition, pushing for the reforms, diesel price hike etc. Harbhajan Singh also showed drastic improvement.
"A total loser that I can say," the official said "He copied the Underachiever tag line of the Prime Minister and now he is trying to encroach an Improver tag line too."
New Delhi - Delhi
City guy alleged India's match against England was fixed
Common Indians are talking that India's match against England was fixed. New Delhi based Engineer, Rajinder Sharma strongly alleged that India's match against England in T20 World Cup was fixed among a group of people, his so-called friends.
"Arey yaar, I am damn sure the match was fixed. Otherwise a guy who can't kill a mosquito how was it possible of taking 4 wickets for giving just 12 runs," asked Rajinder Sharma to his friends. The sources said that a group of 6 friends was discussing on the cricket match played between India and England which surprisingly India won with a quite good margin on account of Harbhajan Singh's great performance.
Sources found Rajinder saying "I trust Indian team, whenever it wins comfortably n then I seriously believe that it must be a fixed match. I am sure poor English players which even don't have proper other income from IPL trophy might have received some rewards for this loss."
While some of his friends agreed to the statement some said that it was a non-sensical allegation.
Rajiv Yadav, his friend debated "Arey, English team is so poor and damn inconsistent. And these players are by birth good dancers on slow and spin track. They haven't learnt that generally cricket bat is the thing made to use to touch the ball and not their entire body parts."
However, the entire debate turned violent and both the guys started fighting. While Rajinder punched on Rajiv's nose saying he is not a believer in truth, Rajiv kicked Rajinder for spreading false information.
(Mahesh Bhupathi wrote a column on India Satire after AITA kicked him out of India Tennis for next two years.)
Writing on India Satire is writing from my heart. Whatever AITA had done with me whether it offered to play with bunch of idio*s such as Leander and Sania or I chose to play with Rohan Bopanna who never could pull up the tennis racket in his life, was totally my decision and I never allow anybody to tell me with whom I should play. By the way, it is true I have never seen Rohan lifted his racket over 90 degree angle. I know he can't take so much of weight. However, Leander can take weight of any kind of racket but he likes to pull the balls of others in his hands and not racket.
Forget my weird sense of humor, right now I am in a sad feeling as I have to show I am in sad feeling. Still I feel it really hearts when somebody kicks on your ass when your balls are in your pants unprotected and vulnerable. While the case is similar with me. First Sania kicked me out just to Shoaib who never picked a Tennis ball in his life, just she thought I was less fairer. Leander was also thrown out of her life because of his colour, not skin colour but the weird colours of his clothes. Now it hurts when AITA just banned me for 2 years and still I am not getting support that cartoonist Aseem Trivedi received.
So it is always a question what would I do post ban? Many suggested me for checking with District Magistrate, High Court and then Supreme Court. However, I am not that dumbass to make such move. Who would like to keep the judgement on hold for next 20 years. And if the court is going to remove my ban after 20 years, I wouldn't have capabilities to play even with my grand child. By the way, Lara is getting fat these days still I have to lie her that she is still beautiful and slim, slimmer than Priyanka Chopra.
Ok so question remains, what would I do post ban. Actually, I have a detailed discussion with Rohan Bopanna who is still incapable to lift the Tennis racket will join me in IPL auction. Actually, this was my plan just before Olympics to join IPL but no team showed any interest in me, despite my great shot making capabilities. I have an independent study with me which shows that my Tennis shots are 99% similar to any kind of cricketing shots, which includes huge resemblance with Sachin Tendulkar's square drive, straight drive and cover drive. I can also cut, pool and hook the tennis ball. So I thought of joining Cricket through IPL but couldn't enter. However, recently I came to know that Deccan Chargers is going to get shut down and therefore plans to actually send my resume for the next auction of the new team. Finally, I know I am the greatest hooker in this world and can really join an IPL team. Therefore, my great fans don't worry but I am there in front of you in IPL. 
After winning silver medal, Sushil Kumar plans to teach the art of defence to India's Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde and Defence Minister A K Antony.
"Yes, that is my first priority now. I had a vision to win a medal in Olympics and now the next thing I want to do is to teach Sushil Kumar Shinde how to protect people from riots, naxalites and terrorists attacks. I will also show the art of defence to A K Antony so that he can be more vigilant towards India's security," said Sushil Kumar after winning the silver medal in London Olympics. He disclosed his intentions to India Satire correspondent immediately after receiving medal.
India Satire is trying to reach to the reactions of both the ministers which are right now on weekend holiday.
However, busy Sushil Kumar said "Both of them need to look a bit fit and powerful. I always feel they are like sucked mango, no energy and no fitness. Ekdum, dheele and loose. Therefore, I decided to take this step."
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| Vikas Krishnan got out of the ring because he hit heard to US boxer |
Step will avoid controversy and keep the world integration and peace
Rising controversies such as favoring towards US and British boxers, finally International Olympics Committee came into picture and decided to grant direct access to finals to US and British boxers. The committee released an official circular over the Manoj Kumar and Vikas Krishnan issues.
"The third-world countries like India are creating unnecessary ruckus showing their backward nature and denying the dominant leadership of US and Britain in the boxing," said Count Jacques Rogge, President of International Olympics Committee.
He said "Guys why don't you understand the superiority that these boxers achieved, they don't need to clean their asses, those cleaned automatically and they get food directly into their mouth from trees. They drink their sweat and also keep jerking their jerseys whenever they win. Do you do that? Do you have such immense capabilities in you? This is the country which has produced Mohammed Ali, you have the country which is still producing notorious boxers, whose in this advanced world still clean own asses, ridiculous."
Rogge confirmed his outrage against Indian boxers who should keep their voices low against the top US boxers who generally wear Adidas boxer shorts.
He said "You are wasting our time. Look at China the team which is now performing great, competing at international levels and winning medals, is not playing boxing. That country also recognized the importance US boxers. Now, as India raised its voice we plan to give access to direct finals to US and British boxers and also ask juries to give 1 point to the US and British team for each of the bout that opposition player played on the faces of these players."
Olympics was just a practice session
After completing the mission Olympics complete and almost on the verge of finishing its all the league matches, Indian Hockey team now eyes Juniors Hockey World Cup which is slated to be held in India in November 2013.
"Our focus is now on Hockey Junior World Cup in India in 2013, which we are now eager to win," said Bharat Chettri, Captain of the current Indian Hockey Team after it successfully lost the game against Germany and ended its campaign in Olympics.
He said "It is actually wasting our time and effort in gully sport tournaments like Olympics and we are eager to see ourselves winning in the World Cup."
"It is better to fight in tournaments where you are sure that you will win," he said.
Michael Nobbs confirmed the development and said "Yea as I told earlier, this is most inexperienced team ever in Olympics and really deserve to win Hockey Junior World Cup. Our Olympics tournament was just a practice session against few of the world's top teams."
He said "Now as we completed the session we are more competitive to play against juniors in the World Cup."
Taking inspiration from team Anna, hockey players will remove dirty politics by entering in politics
Taking a serious note of shameless loss against New Zealand in the Olympics, the entire Indian Hockey team committed their few remaining fans that either they will win or would join Indian politics.
"We have options open for joining politics. Today our match is against the entire corrupt political system of India and therefore we will have to win it," Bharat Chettri told India Satire correspondent with a loud voice.Indian Hockey players were earlier criticized for playing politics within the team for paltry reasons of not making pass or forgetting his place in the mid-field and playing from center forward.
He said "By beating Germany and then Korea and Belgium and afterwards, winning semis and finals would be actual win against corrupt politicians who are eating out everything in the Indian sports. However, if we couldn't perform and win today or tomorrow or on the day of final, we promise you we shall join politics and remove the entire dirt on the Indian sports economy."
He said "Our battle is not with any country it is against entire political system."
Indian Hockey team which was not performing up to the mark was criticized by media for having selfish players and no team work.
"See in politics, team work is required. So there are all the options are open that don't break while the short term hiccups never break the alliance. We are inspired by team Anna, and thought why not join politics and help improve the sports in India, particularly find lost glory of the Hockey team," said Bharat Chettri.
However, Michael Nibbs, India Hockey team's coach took a serious note of Chettri's comments and he said "Rather than focusing on your game, taking such a ridiculous decision gives an idea that team doesn't want to win. Besides winning there are no options and I don't have courage to teach hockey to Indian politicians."
Sania Mirza will play with both in mixed doubles
Mahesh Bhupathi promised his fans that in his next Olympics he would pair up with Leander Paes and would bring a gold medal, after both the players lost their respective doubles tennis matches in the London Olympics.
"Hey boss! Actually we thought that if we play with other partners, India would have secured one gold medal and one silver medal. But now looking at the results I want to say neither we got gold nor silver, and even we could not qualify for bronze medal," said Mahesh Bhupathi.
He confirmed that the strategy was fallen apart, as their partners were totally ridiculous play and insult to the World Tennis.
He said "Yes guys in spite of creating so much rhetoric and making so much of claims we lost and we also understood that it would be better that if we play together. Yesterday, after Paes lost his match I suggested him to pair up with me in next Olympics and Sania will play with both of us which would easily secure at least 3 medals, two golds and one silver for India. He happily agreed to my proposal."
Gagan Narang may join the team as a goal keeper cum goal shooter
Indian Hockey Team manager Shrikant Iyengar told media that the hockey team could have scored 21 more goals against New Zealand, if the strategy was not leaked before the match started.
“Actually, we planned that everybody in Indian team, including our goal keeper would score at least two goals against New Zealand showing them the real clout of India. However, somebody leaked the strategy and Kiwis just blocked every player, excluding goal keeper before reaching their D,” Shrikant Iyengar told special India Satire Correspondent in London.
Earlier before the tournament, India Satire covered a storythat Indian team would allow only attacking players to reach to goal post. However, the strategy was changed mean time.
He said “We are actually called an inquiry to know who leaked our strategies.”
There were rumors that the Indian team is planning to invite Gagan Narang as a goal keeper so that he can shoot the ball from his hockey stick directly goes inside the goal post of other team, to at least win next few matches.
Iyengar told correspondent “Yes we are in talks with Narang. As soon as he finishes his 50m pistol stuffs, he would join us as a goal keeper come ball shooter. This will solve our serious problem that all the team players are not able to reach to the goal posts of the opposite team.”
Shrikant Iyengar also slammed on the criticisms made by Coach Michael Nobbs and said “Before signing a contract with him we made him clear that our team likes king size performance so that he should ensure us that everybody in the team would get chance to score at least 2 goals and 22 goals in a match.”
He said not every time this kind of pitch and bowlers get, England, Aussie pitches are fucking backward
Virat Kohli confirmed that he is looking for a hat-trick of centuries in Sri Lanka, as favorable pitches and bowlers are hardly available elsewhere.
"Yes I would certainly want to ensure third century for India, as good pitches and helpful bowlers are unavailable elsewhere in the world, apart from India," said Virat Kohli to India Satire sports correspondent.
He told correspondent that he is in a hurry and if there had been 20 ODIs he would have scored at least 18 centuries.
He said Pitches are mind blowing here and bowlers also are very much supportive to guests.
"We should learn from them how to give respect to guests," told Kohli.
"Watch Malinga, he doesn't set an aim to bowl on a particular place. He can bowl at anywhere on the pitch, undecided," informed Kohli.
However, Kohli slammed Australia, South Africa and England for their unfriendly behavior towards World Cricketers.
He said "Aussie, Kiwis and Africans suck yaar. They are so backward in their thinking and lacks professionalism. These countries provide really useless pitches which were used at the time of bodyline matches. I really feel that Team India should only visit, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and Nepal, for their professionalism."
Tennis giant says his fans are complaining on rising boredom in his game, looks like Boris Becker and Stephen Edberg
Tennis great Roger Federer said that he would retire immediately after London Olympics 2012, as his fans are complaining he became boring while hitting the ball with his racket and should choose something else as his career.
"Guys, one fan told me that I play like Boris Becker and Stephen Edberg were playing in their old days. Can you believe it? He compared with me buddies like Becker and Edberg rather than Sampras and Agassi. Tomorrow, I don't want to look a like Evan Landel whom his fans only had to push back out of the court. So I chose this option better to retire and join commentary box," said Roger Federer.
Roger Federer recently won his Wimbledon this year by defeating leading players (excl. Rafael Nadal).
Justifying his participation in London Olympics, he said "I am just comfortable on the grass courts and therefore I am here in London. So to my fans bear with me for some more time."
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| Team Indian Hockey plans to adopt few new strategies like making short passes and only attacking field would hit the goal post of the opposition team |
Only Center forward and his right and left colleagues will hit at goal post
In a major development, Hockey India confirmed that this time not all the hockey players of India would hit at the goal post of the opposition in the Olympics and only 3 players at front end would do this job.
"We are aware that India is popular for playing as all the 11 players try to hit hard to reach the goal post from their respective places. However, this time we plan to do something different. This time our defence side would supply passes to mid-field which eventually will supply them to attacking field. Attacking field will ensure the ball reaches the goal post. Earlier we were using strategy that who ever it would be from defence or mid field or attacking field all were trying to take ball themselves and tried to make a goal. This time we thought to have some collaborative efforts," said Michael Nobbs, Coach of Indian Hockey team. He was talking about team’s performance and efforts to India Satire correspondent.
He added "The team will also make passes shorter upto 5-10 feets from earlier strategy of making 50-60 meters long passes."
India's goalkeeper and Captain Bharat Chetri said "I will just try to save the goal and will not really interested in consuming energy to hit the ball hard almost 40 mtrs to score the goal by myself. This time I think I would like attacking field do such thankless job."
BCCI produced plan that shows uneconomic to spend on terrorists while Cricket is income accretive opened eyes of Pakistan Government
After a long 5 years, India announced 3 one day internationals and 2 twenty-twenty matches with Pakistan putting entire 26/11 saga into dustbin, after Pakistan agreed that it will never produce any terrorist or use them against India. Pakistan also committed that it would return the lives that the terrorists took on Indian turf, in return of a series of tournaments with India. Pakistan was acting on a BCCI made plan.
Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari said "Last time when I visited India I had a secret interaction withBCCI chief N Srinivasan who told us that it is stupid to spend money while earning is the best business deal. He told me that every businessman hate spending and concentration on making profits. Cricket is no loss game, thousands of stupids will watch Indo-Pak matches and then why are you wasting money over few useless terrorists. He also presented a detailed plan that how the value of the Pakistani economy is deteriorating while spending on non-productive terrorists and how the notional loss is increasing while not able to charge tax on Cricketers when they come playing after IPL."
Zardari told "I liked the plan at first instance only, but still I thought to produce it to our Supreme Court judge Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry otherwise he would have made allegations that I made huge black money out of this deal. He thought the plan was strong and even Janaab Kayani also gave us permission."
Sources said that because of BCCI Chief N Srinivasan's persistent efforts to reduce the tensions between two countries, Pakistan Government is going to announce its most prestigious Mulla Digvijay Singh Award which earlier was honoured to only Manishankar Aiyer and Saif Ali Khan for their immense contribution to peace process between two countries.
According to an official statement made by Pakistan Government, the country will stop all the terror activities, helping terrorism and spreading terrorism with nuclear capabilities.
A spokesperson of the government said "We announced an employment guarantee scheme in Pakistan for all the terrorists of Jaish, Al Qaeda, Jamat Ud Dawah and Lashkar E Taiba under which all these idiots would be deployed as dhobis and dudhwalas."
Tendulkar removed the general belief of other way around
Sachin Tendulkar in an event said that when he doesn't give interviews and attend various events, he plays cricket and not other way around.
The shocking revelation came after Sachin Tendulkar was asked by reporters that if he wants to take rest why do he attend parties and events and why does he give interviews. Earlier, general perception was that Sachin attends media events, talk to press reporters and give interviews when he is free of Cricket.Sachin humbly told "Actually, when I want to take rest from giving interviews and grabbing media attention, I play Cricket. It's not other way around. Therefore, Cricket comes when I am free from any interviews."
Sachin Tendulkar was attending a function organised by Google India, which announced Sachin Tendulkar as 'Top News Headline Man of the year'. The award was the salute to Sachin Tendulkar's contribution to Google News Search in which his name appeared more than any other name in Top Stories column.
Sachin Tendulkar recently denied playing in the Sri Lanka.
NEWSWIRE - SPORTS
If selected it will add more vigor to the entire team
(Based in Haridwar and physically fit, Baba Chandamama sent his name with a request to join Indian Olympics squad for Athletics.
"I am very fit and don't eat any kind of drugs besides vatahari churan. I will also not ask any kind of cash rewards. I will also arrange few more sadhus which are physically strong and run like a storm," said Baba Chandamama.
A member of Indian Olympics Association said that it is considering the application of Baba Chandamama.)
