After a delay in the release of Vishwaroopam for paid Direct to Home (DTH) audience, apologetic film-maker and actor Kamal Haasan announced that he will show his erstwhile blockbuster 'Abhay' along with the new movie on February 2.

"I am apologetic to my DTH audience which paid huge amount to watch my new launch Vishwaroopam on TV before it gets released in theatres. However, because of notorious distributors I had to postpone the launch and now I am going to show the movie to theater audience first while paid DTH audience can watch it anytime later. Just to thank my "patient yet eager audience" I will also show my mega hit 'Abhay' same day for free of cost," said Kamal Haasan.

Kamal Haasan's production house Raajkamal Films International issued a press release in which the film-maker apologized to the audience who were waiting to watch the film on DTH.

Originally Kamal Haasan planned to premiere the movie on DTH platforms a day ahead of its theatre release. However, the plan was dropped after a section of theatre owners and distributors protested, and eventually held negotiations with Kamal Haasan to change the strategy. He further said those DTH subscribers who had paid for the original premiere can get the amount refunded or adjusted against their other bills, as they deemed fit and allowed for by the respective DTH services. However, skeptical over the box office response to the film, he finally decided to show his erstwhile blockbuster Abhay at a free of cost.

Despite getting shows of Abhay at a free of cost, many people refused the offer and said that it would be better if Kamal Haasan keeps the entire sum with himself and spare them from both Vishwaroopam and Abhay.

"We are not willing to watch Abhay at any free or paid cost. Neither we want to see that tasteless Dashavatar," said M Ramalingam, a paid customer of Kamal Haasan's new epic.

He said "It is better that Kamal Haasan keeps entire money that we paid for Vishwaroopam. We are ready even if he doesn't show us Vishwaroopam."

Sticking to his core habit, BJP President compared Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari's son Bilawal Bhutto Zardari with Rahul Gandhi resulting into drawing condemnation from the Congress leaders.

"I think it doesn't matter for opposition parties in Pakistan whether Bilawal Bhutto Zardari enters into politics or not. Because even if the IQ of both Bilawal and Rahul Gandhi may be different, both have no impact on the politics in their respective countries," said Nitin Gadkari in a statement made to Press.

He was answering the question that Bilawal Bhutto's entry would make any difference to the Pakistani politics. Earlier, Gadkari drew criticisms on comparing Dawood's IQ with Swami Vivekananda.

When asked Gadkari elaborated the theory, he said "It is possible that Bilawal Bhutto may have better IQ compared to Rahul Gandhi. But it matters how he chooses the path and even with better IQ if he chooses path of self party destruction, then he wouldn't matter for the country and opposition parties as like with Rahul Gandhi."

However, the statement wasn't well taken by Congress Party leaders and asked Gadkari that how many of his drivers are really compatible to compete Rahul Gandhi in elections.

"It is possible that Gadkari's drivers may be director on his companies. But are they able to fight with Rahulji. Is Gadkari's IQ level is higher than his driver? Gadkari should answer these questions first before making such stupid comments," said Digvijay Singh.

When India Satire correspondent tried to get the reaction from Bilawal Bhutto, he asked Asif Ali Zardari that who is Nitin Gadkari and kept the question on hold.

Desperately seeking to get nude, hot beauty Poonam Pandey threatened all Indians that she would strip if continuously ignored again and again. Poonam announced that she is not very happy that her fans are moving towards more sensible topics like politics, gang rape issue and terrorism while ignoring her in day-to-day life.

"This is shocking that nobody really post me in their news. I haven't seen myself in the headlines for long. Daily what I am seeing is FDI in retail news, some political issues, parliamentary logjam, gang rapes and terrorism. Nobody really bothers what Poonam is doing. Therefore, I decided that if people and media ignore me I will strip to the end. Don't take it as a joke as like I made last time when I promised to strip after India would win world cup or KKR would win IPL or Rahul will marry, but take it as a challenge, this time I am surely going to do this (Poonam forcefully threw her hand on the desk). Looking at laws in India, I will really strip," said Poonam Pandey.

People are talking that post KKR's win of IPL, Poonam never stripped and that kept her out of news.

"Yea there was no sensible issue or important objective that motivated me to go nude for a while for my fans. But that doesn't mean that they can't wait me for showing my great fixed assets. This time I will actually disrobe in front Indians," said Poonam Pandey.

However, fans are not really happy as historical evidences suggest Poonam Pandey hardly kept her promise. She earlier said that she would strip if India wins world cup. However, after attracting huge fan base she told that she disrobed in her bathroom. Same way after KKR's win, she avoided front view and gave glimpse of rear view, which irritated her lot of fans.

One of her fans, Sunil Yadav said "I lost my half hair waiting to see Poonam's beauty. Now again she is threatening us to recognise and follow her on regular basis otherwise she will strip is just too much. I sincerely ask government to take legal action for such challenges which keep fans on health risks."

According to Poonam's close friends, she is so sensible that after disrobing herself post KKR won she never went to bathroom as no new major topic was available to provide darshan to her fans.

After showing his credible statement vomiting skills, the Congress Party has decided to promote Pranab Mukherjee's son Abhishek Mukherjee as party spokesperson. Congress Party in its press release said that if Abhijeet Mukherjee continues to demonstrate his thought process through more such interesting stuff and wakes up the Indian people in similar passion, he would be promoted to Ministerial post in 2014 elections.

"We actually thought somebody to take the mike and stir entire system, so that people would forget Delhi Gang Rape case and focus on some stupid stuff. We saw that kind of calibre in Abhijeet," said a source from the Congress Party who was accompanied in the urgent meeting to take the decision.

He said that many including ex-Official Spokesperson Manish Tewari, Digvijay Singh and Ambika Soni refuted the idea. However, persistent efforts of Sonia Gandhi kept them beyond the boundary.

"I am happiesht man in thish world. Itsh not evory body'sh calibore to become Congress Party'sh shpokeshpershon. My shon finolly demonshtrated. Abhishit should shit on spokespershon's chair and give the resolts. Thank you Madamji for let Abhishit shit on the chair of spokeshporshon," said India's President Pranab Mukherjee.

Abhijeet Mukherjee said "I am really happy with Party's step. I am thankful and grateful towards Madamji for allowing me to show my skills. I will be more stupid with my tongue so that Congress Party would win next elections."

Demonstrating his eagerness towards law and justice, disheartened India's President Pranab Mukherjee abandoned his son totally for his remarks on women that dented and painted women protesters in Delhi went to discotheques and then turned up at India Gate to express outrage over the gang rape in Delhi.

"Thish ish too bad in tho name of Preshident. I condemn sush statement of Abhishit. It literolly turnsh me down from my yeshtorday's party," said Pranab Mukherjee, India's President.

He said "I immediately abandon my shon from being my shon and Congresh Party's shon. He ish now shon of shon and not shon of mine and Congresh Party."

"What's basically happening in Delhi is a lot like Egypt or elsewhere, where there's something called the spring revolution, which has very little connection with ground realities. In India, staging candle-lit marches, going to discotheques - we did all this during our student life too, we were students too - I know every well what kind of character students should have. Those who claim to be students - I can see many beautiful women among them - highly dented-painted (sic) - they're giving interviews on TV, they've brought their children to show them the scenes. I have grave doubts whether they're students, because women of that age are generally not students," Abhijit Mukherjee said to CNN-IBN Deputy Editor Sagarika Ghose.

Even the statement furied Sagarika Ghose who generally stays cool to demand the nation-wide poll on whether a politician should be allowed to make such statement.

"Evon I voted for that poll of Shogorika. Now onwardsh, he would not be called as shon of Pranab Mukhorjee who alwaysh ush to be the great shon of shoil. Fully honest to Shoniaji and never comment on any Indian woman," said Pranab Mukherjee.

Marking a new era of friendship, Indian government signed an agreement to swap Delhi Police with Syrian Army in 2013.

In a joint statement with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, India's Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde said "This agreement will start a new era of India-Syria relation. While we chose to send India's 'Dabangg' Delhi Police to Syria, they chose to send their fearless army."

Syria also described that the great friendship will be just a beginning before major change in both the countries. Both the countries will fully protest proof and peaceful in the given time.

Syria had successfully cracked down the ongoing civil war till date while Delhi Police successfully trashed demonstration against rape cases recently.

"We want to understand the skills and techniques use to tighten the knots of notorious and demanding rebels. Both Delhi Police and Syrian Army demonstrated great muscle in keeping demonstrators in their noose," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad who was on a 1-day visit with India.

Both the country representatives released a joint statement that will provide terms and conditions for the operations of both forces in each country.

"Syrian Army has unique technique in maintaining law and order in the country. Nation requires team efforts and rebels are always the threat for building a nation. Over last 2 years we closely monitored the way Syrian Army maintained Syria peaceful. We decided that while we can learn some techniques from Syrian Army, Syria also can learn from Delhi Police. We both have win-win formula," said Sushil Kumar Shinde, India's Home Minister.

The agreement also suggests that both the forces will exchange their knowledge on understanding the psyche of rebels.

To revitalize, rejuvenate and rehabilitate himself, Home Minister and ex-Cop Sushil Kumar Shinde visited a theatre to watch Dabangg 2, said a source.

"He was totally sucked up after his demands for sending Shri Hafeez Saeed got trashed from Pakistan Internal Minister Rehman Malik as well as Delhi gang rape case. He felt a low life and useless kind of situation led to a total mental disability. He was also feeling very cheap and inferior towards his own outlook leading to feeling of low self esteem and worthless animal," said the source who accompanied Shinde to the theater.

He said "Shinde kept it secret while visiting the movie, as a security issue could have propelled out if any of Delhi protester have seen him in the theater. He was totally in a mental trauma where he was feeling that he is a worm in a trash bin searching for some sweets."

The source also confirmed that Shinde was feeling like a pet animal that don't have his own brain but moves with the direction given by owner.

Sushil Kumar Shinde confirmed the development and said that he visited the movie with inculcates the x-factor inside a totally sucked man like he is.

Shinde said "Dabangg 2 is quite motivational movie and that inspired me too. It instills the arrogance and attitude, the characters require for top cops and home ministers. I also remembered my old days in Maharashtra Police by watching the movie. The movie is ditto based on my life and I am sure that in Dabangg 4 Salman Khan will perform as cop turned great politician and home minister of India."

Post announcement of retiring from One Day Internationals, Sachin Tendulkar announced that he will keep using his batting skills and would wash clothes in Mumbai's Dhobi Ghat. That will also improve his performance in test matches. Dhobi (laundry man or washer man) is the only community in India which uses cricket bat (a small wooden piece similar to cricket bat) more professionally and commercially.

"As it wasn't a secret that I was not going to play for 2015 World Cup and my test scores were moving in a snail like pace, I felt that I should join Mumbai's Dhobi Ghat and use my bat in more aggressive and proactive way. This will accomplish my dream of becoming a complete test player in next 2 years," said Master Blaster Sachin Tendulkar in a packed press conference.

Sachin Tendulkar is considered the best batsman in the world with 100 centuries in his kitty, which include 49 centuries in One Day Internationals. With the entry in the new field of game, Sachin is expected to use same heavy bat while washing clothes.

He said "I had various options in my mind such as fisher man and gate keeper. However, no where I could have used my bat so productively and aggressively than in the profession of washer man. This would improve my performance and sharpen the skills of aggression as well as focus."

Sachin took his bat in his hand and with all his power started tossing up and down on the desk as like dhobi do with the clothes in Dhobi Ghat. All the media journalists and reporters noted down his determination and focus towards the bat chopping.

According to sources, Sachin is planning to achieve Don Bradman's test average in his next career stanza.

"Sachin is planning to score with an average of 100 in his next 200 test matches," said the source close to the development.