Showing posts with label Interview. Show all posts
That way he would also remove perception about him that he is fuc*ing fearful guy
LeT Chief Hafeez Saeed decided to come to India with guns, and bombs and he will himself blast in the country's top metros. This way he decided to tribute Ajmal Kasab and remove general perception that he is not deep shit ass hole that affraid of Police firing and death execution by court.
"I want to prove that I am not shitty mole which fears of everything. I can face Police firing and let Indian Police come to me and fire me 50 or 50,000 bullets. I will come myself with gun and bomb alone and will attack like a Bollywood hero. That way I will also tribute Ajmal Kasab," said Lashkar e Taiba chief in a candid chat with India Satire correspondent post Kasab's execution.
He said "I don't affraid of a shit. I want to remove a tag that I am just a mother fuc*er that is saved by Pakistani politicians just to clean their as*es and toilets."
Hafeez Saeed was a bit strong and vocal this time saying that he had the courage to lift the gun and fight.
"I can lift upto 1.5kg of gun with 20 gms of 2 bullets," told Hafeez Saeed showing his arms with small biceps.
"The Almighty told me that I have strength to face 50000 bullets at a time. They (Indian Army) can come to me each and every army guy can shoot 50000 bullets still nothing will happen to me. I am like 'Amoeba' if one bullet touches my body it would just return back from my shit preserved tummy. I have courage even if thousands of bombs come to me they wouldn't do anything. I will remove the label of being a fuc*ing bas*ard that even fears an ant," said Hafeez Saeed with grave voice.
While Hafeez Saeed told that the date on which his arrival to India is yet to be decided he said nothing can stop me. "No other Pakistani or PoK guy will come to India. I will myself come and with guns and bombs. Even if you declare an execution my neck is made of steel," said Hafeez Saeed.
By the time, Indian Government announced that all Metros in India are on high alert.
Ram Jethmalani who along with his son Mahesh Jethmalani offered his resignation of BJP leader said he is still undecided whether to retire from politics or not.
"I will join Congress or some sundry small party like Samajwadi or BSP or even Biju Janata Dal," said veteran politician Ram Jethmalani in an exclusive interview to India Satire correspondent.
He said "My son is talking with even Telugu Desam Party chief Chandrababu Naidu for inviting us to an esteemed post of Member of Parliament from Rajya Sabha. We are also talking to Assam Gana Parishad leader."
Ram Jethmalani who just completed his 89 years on 14th September said that he is not really thinking about retiring from politics and feels that this is the best age to change some parties.
"Actually, best what we like is to talk and my job of politician allows me to talk and talk and talk only. So for me it is best age to be a politician till the nature put a band on my mouth or shut my tounge because of over talk," said Ram Jethmalani shutting down any hope that we would not see him talking again.
Promised taking more revenge on audience in this movie as well
He is back, back with vengeance, back with revenge and back with more revenge on audience. He is there to push entire audience in mud and tell them don't dare again to watch my movies filled with high levels of stupidity and absurdity, he is back with more such power. He is Karan Johar, talking exclusively to India Satire film correspondent on his new movie 'Student of the Year' and how the movie is different than its old counter parts.
India Satire Correspondent (ISC): Welcome Karan Johar to India Satire's office. Thanks for giving us time on our cover page 'Sach much ki khol'.
Karan Johar (K-Jo): Hey thanks for inviting me. But please call me K-Jo. That suits well to my NRI audience. They like me to read as K-Jo, as like J-Lo.
ISC: Ahh.. sorry K-Jo! So you must know the rules of this page on India Satire, you have to talk true and can't hide anything.
K-Jo: Yea that what I know and that is why I am here. Talking lie everyday is ridiculous stuff and now you can see my tummy which rose because of accumulated gases of more and more lie. I would love to release them here. Brrrrrr.... and farting loudly.
ISC: Ah ok ok... Please keep your emotions in limit. You can release your words here while gases any way you can release outside the office.
So my first question is how Student of the Year is different from conventional new comer movie which were released 10-20 years back.
K-Jo: Oh not at all. It is not at all different movie. It is same old jerk and stupid story that I have just released in a polished manner. That same ridiculous love triangle and same stupid girl for which two idiots fight each other like, ah as Beni Prasad Verma said dogs barking day and night.
ISC: But don't you think in any love triangle that is the main essence. Fight for your love.
K-Jo: Yea therefore what I am showing is not different from few directors shown in yesteryears.
ISC: But in your earlier interviews you said that you will show drama, emotions, great characters, their acting and great stage of fight for love.
K-Jo: That what I have to tell for promoting any movie otherwise who would have got to see my stupid movie 'My Name Is Khan'. See I spent crores of rupees on the costumes and stupid sets which we have to recover in some way. Take example of My Name Is Khan, one of the worst creations of Indian Cinema in last say 100 years at least. But now how can I say myself that it was worst creation. And believing that audience would not think it as worst creation would have been stupidity. Therefore, what I did was that day I called American Police and told them that this Shahrukh Khan is a terrorist and came to US just to fu*k the brains of all the Americans and American Indians. What had happened next you know better than me?
ISC: But don't you think that there must be something different you might have added in the Student of the Year.
K-Jo: What the f*ck? I haven't given anything different but yea I have improvised myself with this movie. So if you say this movie is improved version of my earlier flicks then I can't deny that.
ISC: Oh improved version! In what sense you are talking? Directional values? Script? Screenplay? or artistes?
K-Jo: No man I can't understand how much a big dickhead you are. See this movie is improvisation in only one sense; a larger revenge on my audience. Anybody will come to watch this movie, will face my revenge. The audience will never understand what is happening, it will never be allowed to pause the movie and with new characters who instructed strictly to give no expression, my audience will be pissed off. And still I told theater owners to keep latrines off so that the audience will sucked off more and more. Oh that what I like to do with my audience. Wow! Suck their blood and pissed them off.
ISC: But in your prolong career don't you feel you gave something different to your audience?
K-Jo: Yea I gave them few different things first gay appeal to every next movie, pink car and pink dresses in every movie and new expressionless characters in this movie.
ISC: So please give your concluding remarks to your fans?
K-Jo: You still didn't understand, my movie is just like 'Bhoot Returns'. I am same Ram Gopal Varma in a more polished look. He sucks audience blood with terribly horrible movies and I suck my audience's blood with ridiculously useless and stupid movies.
(Laughing loudly ha ha ha…. he he he… hoo hoo hoo, K-Jo simply removed 50% of skin on his facing showing other side as Ram Gopal Varma's face. He said "We both are same I am half Ramu and Ramu is half K-Jo. He he he.... ha ha ha....)
I want to make my 'own CD' - Salman Khurshid
I am totally devastated after my dream of joining some of the few people out there in the country who made huge chunk out of using their enormous amount of power coming from the business of politics shattered on account of unequal distribution of wealth.
The way few people control power in our country and no authority to mango man is a damn fuc*ing idea of a Banana Republic that we follow in our India. It's democracy yaar, every guy is important and every damn fu*king ass hole that is into business of corruption is also significant. Why there are so many layers that billion dollar club of Corrupt People. A Trillion Dollar club of corrupt people, ridiculous!
The idea came into my mind was making a club which would equally give importance to all the people in the business of corruption. It's not like a person with corruption of 71 lakh rupees is any way not significant against a person who made money from deals of more than what a lakh crore rupees.
The reason why I support so much of equality of distribution of wealth can be traced back to yesterday's event that shattered my dream into pieces. Yesterday, with much of hopes I went to join All India Elite Club of Corrupt Politicians (AIECCP) which is represented by guys like Suresh Kalmadi, A Raja and other big wigies. The club's President is A Raja while Sharad Pawar is Vice President. However, misfortunes of my life started from the gate of the club where security guard (ex-Income Tax Revenue Officer) totally tried to avoid me. Despite being an honourable Law Minister of largest democracy in the world he bluntly asked me who I am. Forget anything else. Still humbly, I told him that I was Law Minister Salman Khurshid and recently came into news for making money of around 71 lakh rupees through scam in NGOs. Then that guy allowed me to get into the building.
But life is miserable, these idiots Raja and Kalmadi thrashed all my hopes and put them into a trash bin saying that I am allowed entry in the club if I do a job of waiter or cleaner of building of corruption as my wealth generation was very low compared to them. I was shocked and felt like crap when my old buddies A.raja and Kalmadi denied any kind of help accessing the membership of the club. How is it possible that I can't access the club which had members such as Suresh Kalmadi, Laloo yadav, Madhu koda and others? Kalmadi told me "We are buddies, Salman bhai, but we have our own protocol. We follow principles and our minimum membership requirement is 100 crore scam. We can't give elite membership to any mango man who generates a kind of paltry 71 lakhs from corruption. Otherwise, every peon of Government office will seek membership of this club. Better luck next time. Till then keep playing with Rahul baba."
M.koda added "Ayo, better if you spend few months in tihar jail too, it makes CV stronger." Even I can't forget that rude watchman who called me 'low' minister. How shitty! I just left that premise immediately and came back to home with heavy heart and saddened face.
This was the time when I lost all the hopes of getting entry into great popularity in the evil's club of life when my darling wife Louise told me that if one door closes other opens. She told me that politicians are not just corrupt but they are thurkey too. They are nympho. Look at Abhishek, N.D. both have achieved names and powerful statures in the society because of their beliefs in God Shakti Kapoor. Call them up and get entry in that club.
Rising hopes again, I just called N.D.Tiwari, however, his servant told me that he was busy romancing his maid and does not like to get in a mid-way. I then called Abhishek who these days is free and who immediately gave me his helping hand. He said why don't you make your sex portfolio and release few dhasoo CDs to join AITK("All India Thurkey Association") headed by honorable N.D. tiwari and have national elite members like Abhisek manu himself, Swami Nityanand, Gulshan grover, even international elite guest elite members like Ttiger Woods, Shane Warne and Italian ex-President Berlusconi. All these guys are hardcore followers of God Shakti Kapoor. Singhvi also promised to provide assistance of his driver to shoot video and upload it in youtube and make me famous. He also promised me to arrange a meeting with N.D. Tiwari if any tips are required and all the blessings from Shakti Kapoor.
So in the realms of power, I have to be powerful so what if the power I get from eating Viagra or money. The power is power and I have to seek power, if corrupt people don't allow me to get into their club, thurkeys have always opened their arms to hug me to embrace me.
(The story was covered by our Special Correspondent 'Jhyap')
After showing his credentials which include studying and teaching in Oxford, India's Law Minister Salman Khurshid said he was Holy Spirit and Good Devil of the world.
"I am a good demon and sacred ghost in this world. I live on marginal resources such as 71 lakh rupees," said Salman Khurshid in an exclusive interview.
He asked "Can you show me anybody in this world, who has such credentials of consecrated?"
Salman Khurshid who was a bit nervous on why he was targetted for petty sum of Rs 71 lakhs confirmed that his shit is also holy and doesn't ever discriminate.
"Whatever, I spend whatever I exert whatever I do whatever I eat and shit all is holy and whatever I am totally holy," said Salman Khurshid.
Confirming that his white hair and white clothes only projects himself a mid night holy ghost that anybody can see in the night at 12 a.m.
"Yes I am FDA (Food and Drug Administration) approved holy bhoot and not like any kind of sundry ghost from Ram Gopal Varma's movies," said Salman Khurshid.
Suddenly, a dangling, self-emulating white pigeon landed on Salman's head cleaned sat a bit there for few minutes cleaned his tummy and flew away.
