Showing posts with label City. Show all posts
New Delhi - Delhi
City guy alleged India's match against England was fixed
Common Indians are talking that India's match against England was fixed. New Delhi based Engineer, Rajinder Sharma strongly alleged that India's match against England in T20 World Cup was fixed among a group of people, his so-called friends.
"Arey yaar, I am damn sure the match was fixed. Otherwise a guy who can't kill a mosquito how was it possible of taking 4 wickets for giving just 12 runs," asked Rajinder Sharma to his friends. The sources said that a group of 6 friends was discussing on the cricket match played between India and England which surprisingly India won with a quite good margin on account of Harbhajan Singh's great performance.
Sources found Rajinder saying "I trust Indian team, whenever it wins comfortably n then I seriously believe that it must be a fixed match. I am sure poor English players which even don't have proper other income from IPL trophy might have received some rewards for this loss."
While some of his friends agreed to the statement some said that it was a non-sensical allegation.
Rajiv Yadav, his friend debated "Arey, English team is so poor and damn inconsistent. And these players are by birth good dancers on slow and spin track. They haven't learnt that generally cricket bat is the thing made to use to touch the ball and not their entire body parts."
However, the entire debate turned violent and both the guys started fighting. While Rajinder punched on Rajiv's nose saying he is not a believer in truth, Rajiv kicked Rajinder for spreading false information.
Lucknow: Uttar Pradesh
Issue is he agrees to everything but not Congress despite the file sitting in Congress HQs
Just ahead of his final decision on supporting or opposing UPA government, Samajwadi Party Head, Mulayam Singh Yadav confirmed that he actually believes in adequate economic freedom that converts into adequate perfect competition leading great industrial revolution and thereby opening of job opportunities resulting in economic prosperity and furthermore economically developed nationalised way of getting into great boundaries of world economic super powers. However, he doesn't know what exactly that is.
"I am actually in favour of that thing which UPA government is planning to introduce in India. I know that thing will create more and more jobs and will boost demand for something will increase. But actually I don't know what is that and as a Samajwadi Party President, I have to oppose it," said Mulayam Singh in his nostrils.
He said "I know that by allowing firangi companies to invest in India will surely reduce something called fiscal deficit and thereby something called inflation, inflation must be something related to mehengai, Akhilesh told me about that. After inflation comes down, Subba Rao will reduce interest rates and thereby many companies will invest in India and that will create jobs somehow, that I don't know. But still I believe it just brought by Congress Party I have to oppose it."
According to sources, Mulayam was confused whether to support or not. He made many calls to his secretary asking him whether any file is opened or not so that he can surely take an independent call, a totally unbiased one.
"He is true leader. He understands all the economic nitty grittys but he doesn't know them what they exactly are. Finally, he also understands that there are few files are lying here and there which are actually Mayawati also searching, are more important than FDI in retail," said the source.
Patna - Bihar
Nitish Kumar said this was the move of national integrity by supporting shopkeepers of other states
A Patna shop keeper, Raghu Yadav found asking his mate why they were protesting against FDI in retail and what FDI in retail was actually meant for him.
"Arey hamkaa kuch samajh naahi aat hai, hum kaahe eehaa khade hot ke chillawat hai," asked Raghu Yadav to his friend shop owner called Ramkisan Sinha.
He asked "Ee FDI waa kaa hot hai. Aur ee BJP ke gudbag log kaahe apan ko leke hiyaa aaye huye hai."
Ramkisan said "Hum kaa bhi kaahe samajhat naahiye. Hum to apane dukaan me jaane ke liye ready waa huye hot rahe tab apan kaa wo Rames aake bolat rahe ki chaurahe me jaake chillana hot rahe hai."
Social Insecurity Expert Pramod Prakash Sinha gave his opinion on the overall conversation.
He said "I think Bihar Government told earlier that it will not allow FDI in retail in Bihar so whatever protests if they are against FDI would be stupid."
However, Nitish Kumar, Bihar's chief minister said "While Bihar Government is already against FDI in retail and no foreign company will set up its shop, what these people are showing national integrity, fighting for shop keepers of other states such as Maharashtra, Delhi and Rajasthan by shutting down their own shops. This is called Bihari power." 
Mumbai: Maharashtra
ACP Vasant Dhoble will act as Social Security Guard
After MNS Chief Raj Thackeray threw all the mud on Maharashtra's Home Minister RR Patil and Deputy Commissioner of Police Arup Patnaik that they failed to rescue Mumbai from the riots happened on August 11, Maharashtra State Government is seriously thinking on changing the name of their portfolios to give them adequate recognition.
"What is the logic? If somebody is good in particular thing, we should call him that way instead of confusing ourselves with some other macro terminology. RR Patil is good with social security handling as like sending back Bar girls to their respective states then asking dosawalas to shut their shops in the night. This is his core handling and therefore the government decided to call Home Ministry of Maharashtra as Social Security Guard Ministry," said State Chief Minister Prithviraj Chavan.RR Patil has contributed remarkably to shut the immoral night life of Mumbai, in spite of a lot of criticisms. He appointed ACP Vasant Dhoble as a Social Security In Charge while Arup Patnaik as Superitendent of Social Security In Charge. However, his presence could hardly helped sending back Bangladeshi immigrants or stopping Pakistani terrorists from visiting Mumbai.
Chavan said "Yea that's true. Bangladeshi immigrants and Pakistani terrorists are self sustaining issues. We have already shown that. Last time Patil resigned from his post of Home Ministry when Kasab along with his few friends visited Mumbai, we inducted him again. That time before resigning his post he actually resolved the issue of dance bar girls in no time and secured social life of Mumbaikars. Now while he was doing his job of shutting down the shitty night life of Mumbai, this idiotic riots came. Therefore, we decided to make his job more focus and worthy of doing something and asked him to focus on social security portfolio."
According to sources, RR Patil immediately accepted the offer and eventually ACP Vasant Dhoble was shifted to the post of Security Guard.
"I am happy," said shy RR Patil "I am happy with the offer. Social security is what I like since my childhood. I used to clean noses of my friends to look them clean, I also used to clean my own UGs so that it could not harm any of my other friends by germs. I used to clean my hands by using Dettol. I am 99.99% germ free. When I entered in a teenage I started cleaning my social profile. I started using white shirt and white pant. Even my UGs are damn white coloured by Ujala Blue. Now getting the Social Security Guard Ministry is actually my dream come true."
Jalandhar: Punjab
PMO will also charge huge fine for making mockery of PM's name based on retrospective method
While relooking its Twitter strategy by planning to block few twitter accounts, Prime Minister's Office (PMO) of India banned Jalandhar based Manmohan Singh for looking actually a living parody of India's Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.
"How can somebody named Manmohan Singh look so stupid and idiot while actual Manmohan Singh is so serious, shy and calm looking guy. Disgusting," said an official of PMO without disclosing his name.He said "We might have faced some problems blocking twitter ids but blocking this useless guy is easier for us. We are going to give him some another name and would put him in jail for using Manmohan Singh's name and give a handful over there. We also plan to take his Mummy and Daddy to the court so that they should also get punished for giving such a seriously important name to such a ludicrous and whimsical looking guy."
The PMO is also plan to charge him huge penalty based on retrospective method since his birth for using Prime Minister's name.
"Yes we shall charge him a fine for using Dr. Manmohan Singh's name since his birth and that too retrospectively," said official.
"We are fine with parody, even though at times it is in bad taste, and there is criticism of the government. But we cannot allow anyone to misrepresent the PM's name to a nonsense person," he said.
When India Satire Correspondent reached Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh for his comments, he nodded the development moving his head up and down for a while. However, besides that he avoided anything to talk about it.
Jalandhar based Manmohan Singh who has become victim of parodising the great post of PM said "Oye, what the hell is this? How does it matter my name Manmohan Singh? Oye I want to file a case against Prime Minister for using my name and embarrassing me everywhere. Whoever hears my name tries to confirm whether I can speak or not. Oye people look at me with bad taste."
Delhi: New Delhi
Baba charisma holds true with his followers
Many people present at Ramleela maidan found performing Kapalbhati pranayam confused with yoga camp and not an agitation campaign. However, the managers of agitation event took serious note and stopped this notorious act.
"Yes few people found actually doing Kapalbhati so we stopped them and told that Ramdev Baba just sat normally on fast and not really performing any kind of yoga," said Rajpal Sharma, a representative and discipline manager at Ramleela maidan.
However, few still remain stubborn and they keep doing kapalbhati, when all the representatives had to take sticks in their hands.
Sharma said "Most of them actually couldn't afford to join Patanjali Yogapeeth's costly yoga campaigns and therefore they thought that this free agitation can be used."
Ramkisan Tripathi said “I thought it is a free yoga shibir which Ramdev Baba arranges once in a 100 years. Therefore, I came here to perform Kapalbhati. But it seems everything different over here.”
Some of the supporters of Ramdev Baba said that actually they were so inspired from the charisma of Baba that they couldn't stop themselves from performing yoga.
"It's kinky feeling whenever we see Ramdev Baba, we actually start Kapalbhati, that we can't help ourselves. Its rather nasty but we really understand how sweating after yoga is so nasty," told Ramanuj Yadav, to India Satire correspondent.
However, finally matter resolved, after Ramdev Baba announced that whoever is performing Kapalbhati will have to pay Rs 50000 per hour.
New merged entity will be revived soon and agitation is planned ahead of next Parliamentary Session
Ramdev Baba finally confirmed that his Patanjali Yogpeeth has acquired Anna led India Against Corruption for undisclosed valuations, after many of his supporters shouted that he was copying Anna Hazare's previous year's speech at the time of agitation.
"Yes, now as it’s become a serious question then I have to admit that, Patanjali Yogpeeth merged Team Anna's entity India Against Corruption (IAC) with itself and now onwards Patanjali Yogpeeth will promote the brand IAC in all its agitation," said Ramdev Baba.
He said that both the entities though have different agendas their ultimate blend would provide great business to the stakeholders.
"Consolidation in the area of agitation is required. While now Team Anna plans to change the model, we thought acquiring their entity and clearly expanding," said Baba Ramdev.
However, he denied about mentioning any purchase consideration and method of valuation.
He said "We are not bound by Sebi's regulations and the entity would not have any kind of obligation to disclose the valuation area."
While besides promoting Yoga, Ramdev Baba diversified its Patanjali Yogpeeth into areas of agitation towards black money. However, after realizing that black money is the issue that can't be resolved without reaching to roots of corruption, changing CBI directors and CVC etc, he thought of adding these new segments to the entire portfolio. While region wise anti corruption entities are not lucrative and Team Anna's IAC is just became an eye catcher for the nation, and also Anna wanted to explore new areas, he grabbed the opportunity.
According to sources, Ramdev Baba has just provided a bit of small glance towards his wholly owned subsidiary IAC and he is very serious on reviving the loss-making entity by another agitation just ahead of the next parliamentary session.
Delhi: New Delhi
Congress Party immediately denied Khurshid's statement and said it was his personal observation
Law Minister, Salman Khurshid made a controversial remark saying Madam Gandhi cried after he showed Baba Ramdev's photo with his tummy totally became invisible on 3 day fast.
"Yes when I showed her this (shown above) photo, she literally cried immediately and I found her emotional heart towards martyrs against black money," said Salman Khurshid.
Baba Ramdev is on 3 day fast on Ramleela Ground, Delhi asking government to accept his demands over black money, CBI, Lokpal and many other important issues which are relevant to social justice.
Salman Khurshid told that he got this photo from Google Images of which he immediately took a copy and run to Soniaji to show her what is happening to an aam aadmi.
He said "When I saw the photo to her she saw it for a while then started crying immediately. I saw her tears then she threw the photo on my face asked me why I am disturbing her cool afternoon after the scathing attack made by Sushil Kumar Shinde in Parliament. I was touched and I felt a heart of mother when I saw those tears coming out of her eyes watching the photo."
However, Congress Party denied any such incidence and told that it was Salman Khurshid's personal observation which is not really relevant towards public development.
"It was personal observation of Salmanji. He might have seen tears from eyes, I might have seen sweat dropping on her face. Anybody is welcome to judge anything. However, he actually showed her photo when Baba was performing yoga posture. But right now he is fit," said Congress Senior leader Digvijay Singh.
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| Thirsty Amul Cow |
Vadodara: Gujarat
Cows and buffalos to drink less water - GCMMF
Gujarat Co-operative Milk Marketing Federation (GCMMF), producers of Amul milk said today that it will pass on all the benefits of the drought to end user this year. GCMMF said this time it will produce much thicker milk with small layer of cream on the milk on account of reduction in the consumption of Cow and Buffalo's water.
"Whatever less water that our cows and buffalos will consume, the ultimate benefit will be passed on to the consumers," GCMMF's managing director R S Sodhi told India Satire.
Recently, a study revealed that Amul’s milk is thinnerthan water. However, this year would be probably the other case.
He said "We also assure that our Amul Tazaa Milk will give a small layer of cream as well. Consumers can enjoy tea with cream for next year."
Indian Meteorological department (IMD) recently said that monsoon this year was 22% below average. GCMMF's cattle is a one of the biggest consumers of water which helped the producer to process milk thinner than water. However, 22% below average monsoon will straight a way help the company to reduce water intake of cattle and therefore the benefits will be just passed on to the consumers.
However, according to sources all the cows and buffalos are going to protest against GCMMF's decision to curtail the water consumption and are expected to announce hungers strike.
Surat: Gujarat
Congress said it would now rethink its own strategy
Surat-based chaiwala charged Keshubhai Patel 5 rupees for a cup of tea, as chaiwala was not aware of who Keshubhai Patel was. The shocking development created ripples among the Congress Party leaders who were expecting some magic from Keshubhai in the upcoming Gujarat Elections.
"Aitley Keshobhai's magic faded," said senior leader of Congress Party Shankarsingh Waghela, who is trying to deliver some of the promises which even Narendra Modi affraid of giving.
He said "We thought Keshobhai was enough che for doing all the hazaamat of disgracing Narendra Modi, but now we are seriously concerned about our strategy. If a paltry chaiwala doesn't recognise him then how other Gujaratis would know him? It's disgraceful and he just thrashed all our hopes."
However, Keshubhai was optimistic and said "It is a start of campaign for elections and will be ended after the elections. It will start again after 5 years and then go on till the demon will get lost of Gujarat."
Chaiwala, Ramulal Sodawala said "I was not aware who was he when I asked 5 rupees, a person accompanying with him told me that don't I know him. He was next chief minister of Gujarat and I should be shameful of asking 5 rupees from him. Who will pay me my money?"
A political survey conducted by famous celebrity surveyor Yogendra Yadav suggested that Keshubhai Patel was known to voters when he was 68 years old, age that is known as young age for any kind of politician and not now.
"Keshubhai was famous in his early teenage (40-60 years) and became more popular when he chose to become 65 years old, but now he is not recognised by his family itself," said Political Analyst Yogendra Yadav.
Yogendra Yadav also consulted with Patel's neighbours who were confused why this old man is roaring for. However, people in the native place of Keshubhai said that they heard this name in 1990s when they thought he was a kind of savior for their businesses.
Sitaram Patel, Keshubhai's neighbor that time said "Aitley maate anne Keshubhai's pant was so loose that it used to fell down whenever he raised his hands talking about the development of Gujarat. Anne he was used to drink pineapple juice with me but now for long time I haven't heard his name."
Few Gujaratis are yet to know what was he exactly doing during this period.
"Many asked me who was Keshubhai and what was he doing during the last 10 years," said Yogendra Yadav.
He said "Few also told me that it was Keshuchand Aatmaram Patel who was cleaning the canals that Modi laid for Narmada river."
Yogendra Yadav said "Keshubhai has to become fast and very fast popular to get recognised and to really try to win at least his own seat in Gujarat. He can try for instant popularity by using some mean mesures such as fast unto death for few days, etc."
Patna: Bihar
Nitish Kumar is behind the rejection of visa move
Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar told reporters that there is no question granting Narendra Modi's visa to Bihar visit, even if the Gujarat CM doesn't choose to become Prime Minister.
"If small and backward states like United States don't grant visa to Modi and allow him to attract investment from them, then why should a culturally great and one of the oldest states of India will allow him to enter in Bihar," said Nitish Kumar.
Sources said that Nitish Kumar is worried about the outflow of huge investment in Bihar, like Haryana if Modi visits his state. However, Kumar denied the allegations.
"There is no question of outflow of the investment from Patna to Surat. We are strong economy and investors believe us. Our developed infrastructure and great workforce only suggest our capabilities and strength. He can't attract investment from our region," told Nitish Kumar.
Gujarat government is yet to react to the ban on visa from Bihar.
Pune: Maharashtra
Citizens asked authorities to back out and accept all the demands of auto drivers
Autorickshaw union in Pune threatenedthat it will start following the signals, if city authorities fail to provide adequate supply of CNG in Pune and Pimpri-Chinchwad by August 15. Union's move was shock to an ordinary citizen of Pune, which is not popular for obeying the traffic related laws and wasting time on the roads.
"This kind of move will only hit the deaf ears of the authorities," said Convenor of Rickshaw Panchayat, Nitin Pawar. He was talking about a serious traffic issues that would attract by protesting this way.
According to research organization A C Nielsen, red signal in Pune city road means vehicle to continue and don’t stop while green and yellow signals also says the same. If auto drivers stop at every red signal, it would seriously create problems of accidents, time wastages, fuel wastage and space wastage, said AC Nielsen.
The surveyor told in its report “They want to maintain their uniqueness.”
City man Rajesh Padhye said "WTF, how can they do such stupid thing? It is harassment to the ordinary citizens. Who likes to watch at the signal corners, whether it is green or red. Fuck off, I recommend Pune Municipal Corporation to agree their demands and keep Pune's traffic going."
SURAT: GUJARAT
Next will be khakhra and thepla
(Popular city vendor Mansukhlal Mithaiwala claimed that it launched low cholesterol and low fats version of dhokla and such work is also under progress with khakhra and thepla.
Mansukhbhai, owner of Mansukhlal Mithaiwala said "We observed that dhokla can't become a daily eatable on account of the acidity and dizziness came from it. Therefore after a great product development, we made a low cholesterol and low fat dhokla, which is great to eat on daily basis."
The price of dhokla is expected to be at a premium, while daily consumers will get good amount of discount.
Mansukhbhai also said that he would try this method on khakhra and thepla will be in a launch mode.)
Delhi: New Delhi
City authorities to start new rape index
Delhi Municipal authorities recorded 30% fall in the rape cases, as most of the surrounding area people are on visits to other places. However, data of increase in rapes in other cities is not yet recorded.
"Yes, this is time to have some tours and travels dude," said North Delhi Municipal Commissioner PK Gupta.
He said "People from surroundings like Gurgaon and Noida are just having fun across India and will be back in next month."
All the municipal corporations of Delhi are preparing an official rape index so that they can literally track the events, developments and behavior of rapists.
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| Vasant Dhoble at a night cafe on morning 11 a.m. |
Mumbai: Maharashtra
Vasant Dhoble will cut the inauguration ribbon
A new discotheque 'Just Chill Night Cafe' is opened in the city which will be opened from morning 10 to evening 6. It will be first of its kind which is trying to provide all the night services in the daylight.
"Who wants to waste money on Vasant Dhoble. Better it would be if we ourselves move night life schedule of Mumbai to somewhat back," said Ramanand Shetty owner of Just Chill Night Café.
He said "I invited Vasant Dhoble to inaugurate the discotheque and he happily agreed."
Vasant Dhoble said "That what I wanted. If everybody would shut his café and pub by 6 pm who would raid them. I will also cut short the work timings of Mumbai offices which force their employees to seat till 8 pm." |
| Pranabda is praying Rajini for few supernaturals |
Chennai: Tamil Nadu
In private Pranabda will visit Rajinikanth for getting supernatural powers
India's new President Pranab Mukherjee announced his first tour with extensive site seeing in Tamil Nadu. This is his first tour out of many which are projected in next 6 years. Though it is not yet confirmed that Mukherjee likes idli sambhar or not, the visit is going to see consumption of a range of south Indian food.
Pranab Mukherjee said "I want to start it with Chennai. I have a packed schedule, visiting all the temples in Chennai, antiques in Karunanidhi's house, listening to his Tamil poems and then having nashta at Kani's house."
Pranab Mukherjee recently told media that he is not interested visiting West Bengal, as now he knows every site of the state.
According to sources, Pranabda is also going to visit Rajinikanth and will take his blessings. Sources also told India Satire correspondent that Pranab will learn flying techniques, living on space and planets techniques and how to get invisible techniques from Rajini Saar. In return, Pranabda is going to commit that he would expedite the construction of Rajini’s temple.